BIG, FAT, PUBLIC DISCLAIMER
This page has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with Blueberry Hills. Period.
This is my PERSONAL page.
What I lack in good taste I make up for in sensible shoes.
Actually, that's a downright lie. I like 'em high. The higher the better.
And all sort'sa colors. I like 'em all. Folks. I am a shoe girl.
Yes. I'm eccentric. Let's just say it 'n get it out there.
Now, for the TWO of you who found it necessary to complain directly to MY 87 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER
(you're kidding, right?) about how terribly offensive this page is...I have one simple suggestion:
DO NOT READ THIS PAGE.
YOU MAY BE OFFENDED
IF YOU READ THIS PAGE.
But then again, it just might make you laugh.
It's your call.
I'm just sayin'.
As a matter of fact, I'm surprised you made it this far into our website without having been offended before now.
I DO have a strange sense of humor. I admit it. You may have noticed it. It keeps me young. I use this page as an outlet
to maintain my sanity. If you can't appreciate that, then apparently you don't work with the public.
The internet is such a magical thing. You have options. LOTS of them. If you are offended by this page...
(did I mention this is my own PERSONAL page?)
--THEN PLEASE DO NOT READ IT.
Crap. Now I've managed to go off and offend PETA.
I'm really making a mess of things. (Oh dear...)
...and last but not least...
I, (state your name) have chosen by my own free will to ignore the preceding warnings. I hereby agree with and support the
First Amendment to the United States Constitution.* I will refrain from upsetting Grama on any level. I promise I will not run to Kari's
Mom, Dad, Grama or the Lord Jesus Christ with complaints as to the contents of this -- her PERSONAL WEB PAGE.
Sign x______________________________ Date_________
I did mention that this is my personal page? Right? Just in case you're not familiar with it... *The First Amendment to the United States Constitution is the part of the
United States Bill of Rights that expressly prohibits the United States Congress from making laws "respecting an establishment of religion" or that prohibit the free exercise
of religion, infringe the freedom of speech, infringe the freedom of the press, limit the right to peaceably assemble, or limit the right to petition the government
for a redress of grievances.
So here you go folks.
This is what all the hoopla was about. Sheesh.
Tips for Women
(Now, ladies...pay attention. These are important.)
It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
It is important that a man makes you laugh.
It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
It is important that these four men do NOT know each other.
REASONS WHY FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN
- Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
- It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
- It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
- The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
- They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green,
the right front fender is yellow, etc.
- The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased.
- You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
- Top speed is only about 45 mph.
- Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
- It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
KARI'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM ; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
- it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
THE SURVIVALISTS GUIDE FOR POOPING AT WORK
Admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the dreaded WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for pooping at work.
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a co-pooper from entering the bathroom.
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. The Camo-Cough can also be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire, just for flair.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
It's unfortunate, but in order for this to be a truly complete reference guide
that would be of any real use to folks...we must discuss...
THE DIFFERENT "TYPES" OF POOP
You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper.
You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean.
You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT POOP
You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
FOREHEAD VEIN POP POOP
This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,
trembling and purple from straining so hard.
BALI BELLY POOP
You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
RIGHT NOW POOP
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
KING KONG POOP
This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller pieces.
A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
MOIST CHEEKS POOP
This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
CEMENT BLOCK POOP
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
CORK POOP (aka Floater Poop)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
MEXICAN FOOD POOP (aka Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butt stops burning.
DRUNKEN BEER POOP
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD.
Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
FRIGHTENED TURTLE POOP
The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
he kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
RING OF FIRE POOP
The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butt-hole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
THE BIG BOBBER
The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
THE CHITTY-CHITTY BANG-BANG
The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam on the Narrow's Bridge after having a
Double Tall Non-Fat, Half-Caff Decaff AND a big bran muffin. No bueno.
JACK THE RIPPER POOP
The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
THE PARTY POOPER
The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
(On a personal note: Ken Woo. I apologize for what I put in your rollerblade. I panicked.)
TOXIC GAS POOP
The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish,
and then you wake up in some strange South American country.
DIRTY BOWL POOP
The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche -
but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
WINDY CITY POOP
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
And now for a few of my very favorite videos...